THE HIGH COST of NOT TAKING CARE OF INNER MESSES. #3

I think of my father, whose boyhood dream was to live in the Wild West, and who came from a background of extreme deprivation - hunger and near starvation. A background of violence from his father and of the violence of war. Two brothers died, young soldiers sent to Russia. Vienna, where he went as an apprentice at 14, was bombed night after night. Just before the end of the war, he barely escaped conscription.

In 1955, 10 years after the end of World War II, he had gained access to almost guaranteed lifetime prosperity. He was the youngest “Tischler Meister” (cabinet maker allowed to have apprentices) in Vienna, and he had government contracts. He was married with two young children. My parents bought a piece of land in the Russian zone of Vienna to build a house.

My father threw it all away. Canada opened its door to Austrians. My father told my mother that she was depriving him of his lifelong dream by keeping them in Austria. My mother went to the Canadian consulate, saw the propaganda films of prosperity in Canada, and was convinced.

My father insisted on cutting all possibility of going back to Vienna. He insisted on my mother selling the property, ended everything.

My parents never again reached anything like the same level of financial well-being. Canada - he was a square peg in a round hole. Or a round peg in a square hole. Anyway, his skills did not match what worked best in Canada.

Also my parents - as well as my sister and myself - lost all their family ties - like to the sister and mother my father loved so much. This sister was also my mother’s best friend. And this sister’s daughter was my best friend.

And the Canada my father came to was nothing like the Wild West of my father’s boyhood Westerns. Montreal in the 1950’s. A city.

Fast forward 8 years. On Sundays we were going to a small mini-lake. Swimming. Swings. Lots of kids. My parents were friends with the owners. On Sunday afternoon my sister and I went riding nearby at the stable of a young couple. And then the old house across the street from the mini-lake came on the market. There was a stream in the back. Yes, the roof leaked but so what. It was the cherry on the sundae, the icing on the cake.

My parents - my father, actually - bought 2 acres on a farm a 10-minute drive away. No lake for swimming. About a 2-hour walk to get there. No house. Very close by, a small hill with pigs roaming. Only one bicycle for my sister and myself. Nothing to do.

For me, age 13, this was worse than the move from Vienna, which at least was going toward a dream. My father did have another dream, building a house. He had no idea how much work it was. A very small one-room house was built. It was supposed to be temporary. It wasn’t.

It never again became as good as what there was before my parents bought this land in utterly the wrong place.

And I think: my father had not faced how dangerous it was, to follow a dream without exploring reality.

I think two things came together. First, there were my father’s boyhood fantasies. There was also his background of extreme deprivation. My sense is that what happened it like what happens to the majority of people who win a lottery. Within a couple of years, over 80% are back to where they started.

I also think of my father’s anger at anything to do with psychology.
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As for myself, I have, for decades, looked at inner messes - blocks, mis-perceptions, damage from trauma - as well as looking outward.

I’m going where my father would not go.

No quick answer.

Ongoing human imperfection.

But among things I have created a path to full flourishing, looking at more than the many movements I came across.

A difference between my father and myself. My father, so gifted and talented, left behind a big box of poems. But he had never had even one poetry reading. He felt he was not ready. I put 9 of his poems online. They have had thousands of views annually.

I have been very different from my father - a passionate quest to get out into the world. I build a website where I had up to 60,000 page views a month for several years. That passion is still strong in me.

And I am here, reaching out, including for other people, like Reiner.

Elsa

PS. If you have inner blocks that you know are holding you back, and maybe have long been holding you back, take a look at Full Flourishing and have a 15-minute Discovery Call to to see what could be possible.

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Posted May 21, 2026