JOURNEY. 14. VALENTINE'S DAY. HOW DOES LOVE HAPPEN? HERE, A FORMULA FOR INCREASING INTIMACY AND, SOMETIMES, FALLING IN LOVE.

Feb 14, 2025

Recently I’ve come to a SIMPLE FORMULA which got me, and the others in the group, to feel connected with each other.

But today is Valentine’s Day - a day some people abhor, a day some people decry for its pagan origins, a day some people appreciate. So, today, for those who appreciate Valentine’s Day, and for all the people who want this thing called intimacy - warm loving closeness - it could be romantic closeness, even falling in love - here’s another formula: a falling in love / creating intimacy formula.

How does falling in love happen?

For some people, it’s a bolt from the blue. Some enchanted evening.

Sometimes there’s attraction but it doesn’t go anywhere.

Some people believe it just happens or it doesn’t happen. It’s meant to be or not meant to be.

Are there steps one can take, like learning to dance the tango?

Researchers - one main researcher and fellow researchers - found there are questions that lead to way more intimacy, sometimes even falling in love. They didn’t hit upon the questions all at once, but by trial and error. They had people ask each other certain questions. Some questions were much more effective than others at creating a sense of intimacy. The less effective questions were tossed aside, the more effective ones were kept, and - again through trial and error - arranged in a sequence, as a question effective when considerable intimacy has been developed, might make someone recoil if asked earlier.

Here’s a link to learn more:
https://amorebeautifulquestion.com/36-questions/

Here’s a bit of information:

Five decades ago, Arthur Aron and Elaine Spaulding, a pair of psychology students at the University of California at Berkeley, shared a kiss one day in front of the main study hall and immediately fell in love. The experience led to a mutual fascination not only with each other (they’re still together and now married), but also with the mysteries of love itself. At the time, Aron was looking for a subject on which to base a research project and thought, Why not do a study on romantic love? With help from fellow researchers, including Elaine, he set out on a journey that led him to try to answer this question: How might we, in a laboratory setting, find a way to create instant intimacy between strangers?

Now here are the questions.

You could ask them - and be asked them - if you’d like to move toward deep closeness. It could be with a friend. It could be with someone where you feel some romantic inclination. It could be with your love partner, especially if you’d like more closeness.

Dr. Aron had his subjects ask each other these 36 questions and then stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes at the end of the conversation. In one experiment, the two strangers fell in love and ended up getting married.
Below are Dr. Aron’s 36 questions.
INITIAL QUESTIONS
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
GOING DEEPER
1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
4. What do you value most in a friendship?
5. What is your most treasured memory?
6. What is your most terrible memory?
7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
8. What does friendship mean to you?
9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner.Share a total of five items.
11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
DEEPEST QUESTIONS
1. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …”
2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …”
3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
EYE CONTACT
At the end of your conversation, gaze silently into your partners eyes for four minutes.

When trying to build a connection with another person, Aron discovered, “you don’t want to share too much, too fast. What works best is back-and-forth self-disclosure that increases gradually.”

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Coming soon. Another formula, this one for long-time couples. It’s called the Date-Night Formula. Many of us have seen long-time couples at a restaurant, good food in front of them, or mediocre food in front of them, but whatever it is, no conversation. They seem to have run out of anything to say to each other, anything to ask each other.