JOURNEY. 13. HOW DOES IT WORK, THE SIMPLE FORMULA SO PEOPLE FEEL MORE CONNECTED?

I’ve started a group, Talk Time. Last time I gave the SIMPLE FORMULA which got me, and the others in the group, to feel connected with each other.

Each person has two minutes to talk about their week, what’s going on with them, what’s most important right now.

Then the others in the group have a total of two minutes to respond, either with “What I heard was,” or “That resonates in me.”

Then it’s the next person’s turn.

And on until everyone has had a turn.

For the timing, someone is the time-keeper. I’ve used the timer on my cell phone.

So how could this simple formula get people to feel connected?

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What comes to mind is some really nice caring people I’ve been with lately, where I appreciated their being good caring people - but did not feel connected.

One thing that happened several times over is that the people had a strong urge to talk, sometimes to tell their story - terrible things that had happened. Or maybe they talked about their passion for quite a long time, as if they were on a talk show.

One way or the other, it wasn’t a few minutes for them, then a few minutes for response - let alone a few minutes for someone else, and their listening to that person.

Did their long speaking get the people to feel heard? I don’t know.

Was a goal to get heard? I don’t know that either.

Did the people feel connected to me? Again, I don’t know.

On my side, my sense is I did hear. And care. But I did not feel connected.

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And with that, back to the formula. First, it’s about what’s happening now with the person, not whatever happened in the long-distant past, and not about a big long-standing passion.

And then next in the formula is the response. What I heard . . . This resonates with me . . . The responses connect the listeners to the speaker, and also the speaker to the listeners. The speaker knows he or she has been heard.

There was no natural space in the long talkings for, What I heard . . . or, This resonates with me . . . Instead I might nod my head in sympathy, or I might just listen.

But back to the formula.

After the first speaking and response, it was the turn for the next person, and the next. Each time, there’s what’s going on with the person, from major to very mundane. And each time there are the responses from the listeners.

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Why, you might ask, do it as a formula instead of just letting people speak as they usually do? Because so often people speak but don’t feel close, connected. Because so often people don’t have any idea how to get that.

It’s like skiing. Getting it right is a formula.

But with skiing, it’s recognized what skiing is supposed to be.

With people talking with each other, that isn’t the case.

And for that reason, the formula could be very helpful.

So could a group like Talk Time. It isn’t easy breaking talk habits. It’s usually a lot easier not doing it alone.

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And what is my journey? Like the others in the group, I’m experiencing more connection and it feels good.

I’m also asking myself - and you - how best to get people to try the Connection Formula. I’ve tried it with a couple of people outside the group. It went okay. But the people haven’t come back for more.

As for the core people in the group, when we met today, one said that she wouldn’t be able to make it next week as she was starting a 4-day event. Then at the end of our getting together, she said she was wondering if her event would have any replays as she didn’t want to miss even one meeting. The group - such a very good feeling.

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Coming tomorrow, Valentine’s Day. There’s another formula I’ve recently come across. 36 questions to move people toward intimacy and maybe even love. Love - no guarantee, but it has happened.

JOURNEY. ALL THE CHAPTERS ... UP TO NOW

Posted February 13, 2025